As a lesbian couple in the USA, my wife and I will be trying to conceive later this year using her egg and donor sperm from a bank. We chose the path that felt right for us, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have to process some complicated emotions along the way. As the non-biological and non-gestational parent, one of the big hurdles for me was realizing, love over genetics is what matters for our future baby!
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Weighing Our Options
I’ve always wanted a family. But honestly, I’ve never wanted to be pregnant.
When I accepted that I was a lesbian, I thought, “Great! My future wife and I can do reciprocal IVF.” Because that’s the best of both worlds isn’t it? I would get to pass on my genes and my wife would get to have an emotional and biological connection to our child through pregnancy. Perfect! This is when I was younger and knew nothing about what reciprocal IVF entailed.
When my wife and I started discussing how we wanted to build our family, we realized neither of us wanted to be pregnant…
We took time to consider different options. We read and inquired about what the process of adopting a newborn or baby would be like. Then we individually took time to consider how each of us felt about being pregnant. After some time, my wife had a change of heart and decided she wanted to carry.
I couldn’t help that with time, some concerns crept into my mind. I kept revisiting the fact: I wont have a genetic legacy to continue my lineage.
Why not reciprocal IVF?
When I see posts in online communities where other LGBTQ+ members express their feelings of concern about not sharing a genetic link to their future child, it seems like a number of comments suggest reciprocal IVF. I understand why this is a go to answer. It enables both parents to feel connected to their baby: one parent through their genetic link and the other parent through the process of pregnancy.
First and foremost, yes RIVF is amazing! That truly sounds like an awesome and incredible experience.
But why aren’t more people saying love over genetics is what matters most?
Because the thing is… we don’t want to do reciprocal IVF. Also, this may not be an option for everyone.
We’ve decided we want to conceive one child. With this in mind, I’m not going to ask my wife to go through pregnancy and carry my genetic child, instead of hers. She decided to sacrifice for us to add a little one to our family. I feel it’s selfish for me to request that she use my eggs when we only plan on having one child.
Basically, not everyone has the ability to go through RIVF or wants to go that route for whatever reason. Your feelings of concern or hurt about not sharing a genetic link are valid. Reflect on those feelings, but recognize being a parent is SO much more than a genetic connection.
Who should be our sperm donor?
Initially, I didn’t let go of the idea of shared genetics. I kept looking for ways to incorporate my genes through donor sperm from a family member. I was considering my cousins that may be willing to donate. Even though cousins only share 25% DNA compared to the 50% shared by siblings, it comforted me to think they would have a little genetic link to me.
However, the more I thought about asking a cousin to be a sperm donor, the less I liked the idea. Personally, I’m too close with my cousins to want to use them as a donor. I don’t want my cousin or his parents feeling a certain type of attachment to our child because of the baby being their son/grandson genetically. This lead us to scratching this option off of our list.
We ended up comparing sperm banks and decided to search donors from the bank we felt best aligned with our goals. Deciding to go with a sperm donor at a bank was when I truly had to embrace that love over genetics is what matters. As the non-bio and non-gestational parent, I worried about a lack of connection to our future baby.
Love Over Genetics
While doubts and fears may creep into your mind as the non-biological parent, it’s important to recognize those concerns, process them, but keep them in check.
Accepting the reality that I will not share DNA with my child involved me having a good ugly cry and expressing my feelings to my wife.
I’m very close with my biological parents, and I think this is why the lack of a genetic connection hurts my feelings so much. On the flip side, some people don’t have strong family ties to their biological families, and this leads them to feel like genetics aren’t as important. So it’s all perspective I suppose. Strong family bonds to my genetic family is what I know and what I have.
Another factor that attaches us to our families is the family name. Family name = legacy. My wife took my last name. So our child will have my family name. This is probably my ego, but I’m comforted by the shared family name. If you’re like me and your family name is valuable to you, have you considered this as a type of legacy continuation also?
At the end of the day, realize that genetics and last names don’t matter. Your baby will only know the love you provide and care you offer. YOU are their parent. It doesn’t matter that you’re not 50% of their DNA. It doesn’t matter you don’t share the same last name.
Accept your concerns, but begin to reframe your thinking. Start thinking about the feelings you will have when your child gets here. Because I know when I think about this… the genetic component doesn’t matter to me. I know I will do anything for my wife and future baby! I truly can’t wait to be a part of raising a little human and showing them the world!